All right, I've had enough of the pretty boy weight lifting and the body calisthenics...I want an exercise that will give me the ultimate Kung Fu Chi Power! I want to be a Kung Fu Superman! I want to rip up oak trees by their roots and knock over outhouses with my little toe! I'm going to start doing the following exercises until I make it!
First, for kung fu jump kicks, I'm going to do the following exercise. I'm going to dig a hole, one shovelful a day, and practice jumping into and out of the hole a thousand times a day. By the time I'm down to ten feet, I should be able to do jumping kicks that'll knock over skyscrapers!
Okay, for body slamming that would make king kong envious, I've got a real he man, kung fu drill! I'm going to live on a ranch and every day I'll lift a calf on my shoulders. By the time the calf is full grown, I'll be able to lift anybody in the world, and throw him or her at the ground so hard they come out on the other side!
Of course brute force isn't all I want, not when it comes to getting the kind of Kung Fu power 'm thinking of, so I've got a kung fu training drill that will sharpen the eyes and make my fingers nimble. I'm going to sneak up on a wasps nest and practice snatching wasps out of the air with my chopsticks! Hah!
Learning how to take a punch is pretty crucial, also, and I've got the right martial arts exercise for that one. I'm going to practice sprinting into brick fences and trees and other immovable objects. Three years of running as fast as I can through orchards with a blindfold on should build me up.
And the head, how could I forget martial arts head conditioning! I saw a guy in a chop sockie flick who could ring a giant bell just by slamming his head into it! Hey, if I practice smashing into bells with my head long enough, nobody will be able to ever ring my bell, if you know what I mean.
Let's see, what other things do I have to...oh yeah, 'that!' I think a little makiwara training with 'that' will make 'that' strong as an elephant. Of course it may appear a bit ugly when callouses start growing all over it, but that's a small price. After all, if even 'that' is truly deadly, I will have achieved my goals and be the ultimate kung fu strongster!
I will be the mightiest Kung Fu warrior on the globe! Every body part will be thick, immense, dripping with raw power, and able to be used in any any life and death struggle! All hail to me...the man with the ultimate Kung Fu Chi Power!
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